Being confident takes effort. It is a state of mind
that fluctuates as we react to our circumstances, mood, physical health, and a
whole host of unknown subconscious factors.
My life’s work is
about understanding how to maintain this powerful mindset. Based on the
theory that true ‘happiness’ is really about feeling self-confidence, I have
devised all sorts of ways to build and maintain high self-worth.
Here
are the 3 things to help you maintain yours.
1. Try to give rather than
get
Most people try to get things out of life. This is
the quickest way to push the things you want out of your reach. I wish someone
had explained this to me when I was younger.
In order to “get”, you must give. And you must give
fully, with no condition or expectation of reward. Try to think of life as deal
in VALUE.
To receive value,
you must first give it. Make giving value the goal of every interaction. When
you are talking to someone, ask yourself “How I can give this person the
opportunity to leave here better than when they came in?”
This does NOT mean people-please. When you
people-please, you are not giving, you are trying to get. Get liked. Get
friends. Get approval. Get a reputation as the Nice Guy.
Giving is about
ensuring that the person receives what they want,
not what you want. Ask before you give help. Ask permission to serve others.
Expect nothing in return.
You will be rewarded. This reward will not be what
you think you want, but it will be what you actually need. You’ll just have to
trust yourself.
2. Slow it down
Mindfulness is now one of the most central concepts in my
life.
I have learned
that true happiness comes from being present, curious and aware of what is
happening in real-time. There is a time and place for mentally drifting, such
as getting creative or planning, but for the most part confidence comes from the
simple joy of being present.
We are all so damn BUSY. We thrive on busyness as a
coping mechanism to avoid boredom. People are busy from the moment they are awake,
all the way through the work day, until the moment they sleep. They go a
million miles per hour and without even being aware of what they are doing.
Rather than doing
a billion things a day, do what’s important and do it well. Figure out what
actually matters to your goals. Most stuff doesn’t, but we keep ourselves busy
with crap to avoid the uncomfortable stuff that does matter.
Try this: no responsibilities for a week. No internet
social media scrolling. Spend a week only doing the important uncomfortable things, and
SLOWLY participate in life rather than rushing around.
Soak it all in – you only ever get to do anything once.
Enjoy it.
3. Vulnerability Is
Invincible
For too many years I hid everything negative about
myself. My anger, my dislikes, my disagreements, and mostly, my weaknesses.
It was like dragging around a massive concrete
ball. Constantly having to be hypersensitive to what I was saying and
revealing. I treated conversations like defusing a bomb; with the utmost care
and concern.
As I started building my confidence, I experimented
with disclosure. I started slowly but tentatively revealing the darker aspects of
myself. This was one of the hardest things I have ever done.
The result shocked me.
None of the bad
things I thought would happen actually came to end. Instead, I was met mostly
with love, understanding and sympathy. People seemed to like me more when they learned
about my weaknesses. They certainly appreciated the honesty and shamelessness.
When you are completely vulnerable, when there are
no secrets left, you become invincible. No one can use your weaknesses against
you, because it’s all out in the open. It’s like having someone trying to bluff
you in poker when you can see their cards.
For some reason it really inspires others. You gain
instant trust and affection from people when you open up. This does not mean
complaining or unloading your trauma on them. It just means being honest when
you don’t know what to do, when you doubt yourself, and when you have feelings
of shame about your behaviour.
Just remember: everyone else has these problems too. If you
can be bold enough to reveal it, you will help others find peace with their own
darkness.
Are there more you’d like add to the list? Share in the comments below!
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